Pain
by morlea
Summary: Ichigo is broken and Renji wants to find it all out and help. Ain't good at summary's so just look inside and see for yourself.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: My first very own fanfiction. This came to my mind and I decided to try and make something of it. With special thanks to: iloveanimeguys since she really insisted that I should update a fic and to Belle Keat because she read it and helped me correcting it!! Dunno if it's any good but I've tried to make the best of it. ENJOY!!**

**Rating: T  
**

Pain.

Blood.

Cut

Red

And eventually white.

That is the order of a wound. You feel the pain then blood flows from the cut. Once it's closed again it stays a red mark...Eventually leaving a mark, a scar, a white scar...He knew it so well and learned to perfectly hide it all.

Ichigo quickly looked up as he heard somebody at his door. The knife was hidden underneath his bed, his body underneath the sheets. He wouldn't tell, he wouldn't show, he couldn't, he had to be strong.

Abarai Renji opened the door, slowly, though, giving Ichigo time to hear him. His hair was for once, down away from it's ponytail and for once Rukia had found matching clothes, black leather pants with a red shirt. It was a set, as a thorned rose stem began on the bottom of the right leg and moved up to have the flower, a black one, on the right side of his shirt. All he had to do was look at Ichigo and he knew what was wrong. They were best friends, they both loved each other, but never said anything. Renji walked over to Ichigo and pulled him into a hug.

Ichigo refused to wrap his left arm around his friend, but the other clung to him.

A dampness against Renji's chest, soaking his shirt were Ichigo's face was pressed against him, it surprised Renji The slight shaking of his shoulders told him Ichigo was crying. "I'll catch you when ya fall..." he whispered softly. "But I have to know what you're going through." He tightened his grip a bit, and finally Ichigo let go, the fear and the responsibilities, the guilt, the lies and all that he had to hide came rushing back. He couldn't hold it back and had to release it. Renji was the only one he could trust this with and he had to tell. Had to share.

Renji let the substitute Shinigami go as he broke away from his embrace. "I'll tell you everything..." Ichigo's voice was small, broken and empty. "Don't judge me before you know and have seen everything...Promise me." He looked at Renji with dull brown eyes all spirit had left them. "I promise." Renji said, and followed Ichigo's instructions to go and sit on his desk chair and to not come close again until he was done with his story.

"I gotta protect them all. I've seen too much. This might not look like much, but it's is. I'll tell you how I feel and how I got this…this depressed, Renji. I'm broken. I'm lost." He paused for a minute, thinking about how he had to say this. "My family, Chad, Orihme, Tatsuki, Keigo, Mizuiro, Rukia and even you. I have to protect you all since you all are what keeps me going. I'm so afraid of my feelings. Not just how I feel but not being able to talk about it." He pauzed again, sighing.

His right hand absently ran over his lower left arm, blood staining the sheet even more. It wasn't really visible since the sheet had a black colour.

"I ackt like I don't care, you know that. I frown all the time...You know what I have to do to be like that? To face all the horrible thinks I've seen? I'm a fucking teenager, Renji! I've seen death, I've seen torture. I've seen it all, Renji. I've seen it all. I know I have to be strong for the others. I know I have and I am, you know that too."

His voice was on the edge of breaking again and Renji wanted to go to him, but Ichigo glared and motioned him to stay there. "Ever since I let Rukia pierce my heart to make me a Shinigami I took up the responsibility to protect. Not only those I know, but all the other innocent souls as well. At school, you're human and have to act like that...I hurt myself, Renji. I really do." Ichigo turned his back to Renji and pulled down his pants, he turned to face him again. Both of his upper legs had many scars. Some were recent made, but others were old. He showed him his arms. His right arm wasn't that injured if you compared it to his left. The cuts from before Renji had come in were still fresh and blood seeped out of the wounds. There were 10 deep cuts. Three of them had already closed up, but the others were still oozing blood.

Renji's eyes widened and he was already up and two steps towards Ichigo, before Ichigo held his hand up. "You promised! I'm not done yet." A flare of the old Ichigo was there, his spirit and his passion. Renji looked at his eyes and he sat down again with a sting to his heart. How could Ichigo hurt himself like that? The counting of the cuts was quick. 10, one for everybody. Isshin, Karin, Yuzu, Tatsuki, Mizuiru, Keigo, Chad, Ishida, Rukia and even one for Renji himself.

"I bleed my fear away. My insecurity. I hurt myself to feel the pain in order to be strong. The fear is gone until I'm alone and when I feel at school or some place else it's all going wrong I press into a cut. The stinging pain reminding me to be strong. Not only am I scared, not only my body his damaged, Renji. My soul is damaged. I never talk about it. The cuts come closer to my wrist, Renji. I knew it would end with me killing myself. Now you know all this, Renji. Will you still catch me when I fall?" Ichigo was vulnerable, he had told Renji his darkest secret. He felt light, as if he wasn't carrying it on his own anymore.

Renji smiled weakly, he was truly honoured that Ichigo had told him. "I'll get the first aid kit and then I'll tell ya what I'll do."

Renji went outside the room, closing the door and leaving a fearefull Shinigami. Renji encountered Isshin. He looked at him as if he knew. "He's broken. I'll try to fix him and when he's ready he'll tell you, Kurosaki-san. Don't push him. Keep on living as you do. Pretend to not know..." Renji told him, leaving Isshin as he went into the bathroom and got the first aid kit. "Wait with the attack until tomorrow. I'll hold him tonight."

When he got back into Ichigo's room, the orange haired man was relieved that Renji hadn't left him. They were silent as Renji treated the cuts and bandaged them. The silence kept on as Renji pulled off his clothes, leaving hismelf in his boxers and pulled Ichigo's remaining shirt off. He moved into the bed and pulled Ichigo against his strong chest.

"I'll hold you Ichigo, I'll catch you when you fall. I'll climb that mountain and I'll pull ya with me. Now, I know I won't let ya do it all alone."

Ichigo began to cry, but smiled a sincere smile, his brown, shiny eyes locking with the other's. Ichigo saw it was good, Renji would help him through it all and he would be there for him, and he knew he'd get better. He knew he had somebody to rely on and be held by. "I trust you, Renji." his voice holding a bit of his old strength. "I love ya,"

Renji smiled. "And I love ya too."

Renji held Ichigo that night and they knew it would be okay. Renji had known Ichigo was broken, but he didn't know he was messed up this badly.

* * *

**Don't forget to rate and review. Also check out Belle Keat and iloveanimeguys there stories! They both rock!!**

**Loves and kisses**

**Midnight**


	2. Chapter 2

When Renji decieded that he would help Ichigo he hadn't thought it would be this hard. The cutting was something more then a habit or something that the orange haired man needed. It was something that apparently he wanted. He liked to feel the sting and the burn, liked to see the blood.

It was the worst when he was taking a shower, he loved to watch how the blood got washed away and drained. When Ichigo got drunk he nearly begged Renji to cut him, the painful cut combined with the soft touch from his lover.

Renji had refused, of course he had! But it brought such a sad look onto Ichigo's face he just felt so guilty, even though he knew he was doing it right, that he should not give into Ichigo's wants and needs.

To make up for this turn down Renji did fuck his lover rougher and harder that night, placing some rough bites that made the teen bleed not only from his ass.

Ichigo hadn't cum that hard before….

and Renji felt terribly guilty the day after when he saw with what kind of limp Ichigo walked.

But the kiss he got that morning, it told him Ichigo was all but sorry for the fuck the other night, which he had been enojoying more then he should have. So the guilt washed away, not completely but it did die down a bit.

Renji managed to resist Ichigo's begging for another week before it happened again, in the shower this time, the week after it was Ichigo's desk and then only a few days after the wall had been splattered with cum.

Renji needed to think of new things to prevent Ichigo from doing it. He said that he would cut himself if Ichigo cut his flesh, Ichigo just burned hotter when he saw blood on the redhead's body, the colour almost the same as his hair and causing the black tattoos to look even darker.

He wouldn't tell Ichigo he would leave him if he didn't stop, because, no matter how fucked up Ichigo was Renji could never leave the boy. Even if it hurt him when he saw that Ichigo was playing with a Hollow again, letting the creature land a few hits before Renji came in between the two of them and killed it.

In the end Renji was beside Ichigo's side every second of the day. This was the cause of Ichigo being beaten up, but mostly because Ichigo didn't try to stop them. Renji had to protect the Representative Shinigami, had promised it not only to himself but also to Ichigo's father, his friends, Soul Society as well, since they needed Ichigo almost as much as Renji did.

Lately it hadn't been the cutting Ichigo seemed to want, but the pain the pleasure of being hurt. As he rode Renji he pinched and pulled onto his own nipples rather hard.

Those pink nipples were so sensitive Ichigo loved it when Renji bite them, twisted and pulled. So Renji, who had now finally figured out how to use a computer soon found out that Ichigo was what men called a masochist.

The redhead thought it was because of the cutting, because it lasted so long that Ichigo got addicted to the pain, the burn and the sting.

He changed this conclusion though, because little hints let him know that Ichigo wanted to be dominated. When they would walk through town Ichigo was always a few steps behind the redhead, he always let the redhead pick there food drinks clothes anything when shopping and when Renji wanted Ichigo to wear something he did it without hesitation, wore it with proud because Renji picked it.

Renji found out that Ichigo also liked humiliation. The redhead came to that conclusion when Ichigo had worn the collar and tag Renji had given him, because really, Renji was a kinky bastard and he just hadn't been able to resist. When they were walking in the park Renji decided to sit down on a bench, Ichigo sat down as well, but not on the bench, no he sat down on the ground, resting his head on Renji's thigh. At first Renji was surprised, but soon he stroked his fingers through Ichigo's hair, ignoring the stares he received from others.

Ichigo was no masochist; no he was just a submissive boy that enjoyed the pain Renji gave him and loved to serve and fulfil Renji's wishes.

That wasn't such a bad thing right?


End file.
